The Shocking Secret
by Eclipse of Sanity
Summary: Tidus has a shocking secret... and Yuna is about to find out!


**The Shocking Secret**

* * *

Ok, my first shot at a Final Fantasy 10 Quick-fic. It's kinda after Final Fantasy 10-2, so might be a little spoilerish. This is just a joke, and is not meant to be serious, so please do not flame.

Square owns all the Final Fantasy games. Damn, lucky Square...

* * *

"Oh... Tidus..." Yuna was once again drooling all over her boyfriend, raking her hands through his soft blonde hair and pressing her lips against his. He happily returned the favour, running his hands down her back and feeling like he was the luckiest guy in the world as usual.

"Yuna..." Tidus drew back and then for once he actually looked like he had just had an idea. "I have a great idea! Yuna, listen, I think this could work!"

"Huh?" Yuna tilted her head and stared at him curiously, not understanding what he was on about, but that happened fairly often anyway, so she was not that unsettled by it. "What is it?"

"Yuna..." Tidus fell to his knees and gave her a huge puppydog look. Something fell from the sky and hit him on the head, knocking him down into an unconscious heap before he could say anything else.

"Tidus! No!" Yuna kneeled besides him and immediately started casting several Curaga spells in succession, until all her magic was used up. It was useless however, he did not wake up. "Please, wake up!" She had an idea and jumped up, determination set on her face. She put her fingers to her mouth and...

* * *

Rikku was on the Al Bhed Airship, helping her father and brother add a new piece of machina which they said could be used to charge the main gun to maximum power in five seconds and fire seven shots in rapid succession. There was the minor problem of it blowing up however, but nobody seemed too concerned, since the Al Bhed were skilled at destruction anyway.

"Ahh..." Rikku wiped some grime off her forehead. "I'm tired, I'm going to take a break now... I'll be back, later."

"Frana ena oui kuehk, Rikku?" asked Brother, using the Al Bhed dialect, their native language, simply asking her where she was going.

"To a porn club," said Rikku sarcastically, cleverly playing upon her brother's difficulty with speaking English. Wakka sometimes taught him, but Rikku was sure he had not taught him that bit.

"Rikku!" Cid spoke sharply. "Stop teasing him, and if I catch you in a porn club..."

"I'm joking, Father," Rikku sighed, quickly making her exit and rushing through the corridors before almost bumping into a tall man, who like her was an Al Bhed.

"Hi, Rikku," said Rin hesitantly. He looked as if he had something on his mind, and also looked somewhat pleased to see Rikku for some strange reason.

"Oh, hi, Rin!" said Rikku chirpily, beaming at him.

And then something strange happened. It appeared as if something had clicked between the two Al Bhed. They stared at each other, Rin's eyes melting into Rikku's queer, swirly, drugged-looking eyes. Their heads moved closer and closer, their surroundings disappearing as they stared only at each other, ready to have a passionate embrace.

And then it was all spoilt as Yuna's off-tune whistling broke the silence, a terrific screech that caused the two Al Bhed to jump away from each other, holding their ears in pain. Somewhere very close, Cid was shocked into pushing a red button and Brother was too busy shouting that they were under attack to do anything, so the machina exploded, leaving nothing but a smoking pile of black garbage. Luckily, Cid and Brother were not harmed.

* * *

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!"

Tidus had been having a horrible dream ever since he got knocked out by a mysterious object falling from the sky. He had dreamt that he was kidnapped and taken to a studio, and he was being made to star in a film with a huge guy with gigantic biceps. And then the guy with biceps had leaned close to him, as if to kiss him, before pulling Tidus's ear to his mouth and emitting an ear-piercing whistle straight into his eardrum.

Tidus looked around blearily, wondering where he was and what was going on. Then suddenly a terrible force wrapped itself around Tidus, with sheer menace which shocked him. It was cutting off his air supply, choking him to death, and his vision was already blurring. All he could see was brown, soft brown hair which got into his eyes and made them water. Tidus could barely speak, for the force was crushing him and making it extremely difficult. He almost wished he had been kissed by the man with huge biceps instead, at least it would not mean imminent death, surely?

"Oh, Tidus!" After what seemed like an eternity, Yuna finally released her cruel grip on Tidus and looked at him lovingly, ignoring the fact that he was whimpering and gasping for air. "I am so glad you came back, I thought I had lost you forever. Be more careful in future."

"Yu...yu..." Tidus looked around, trying to figure out what had knocked him out and then he saw it. A glittering object lying on the ground. A ring forged of mythril, with a diamond fixed into the top. Joyfully, he snatched it up before Yuna could see it.

"Yuna!" Tidus barked loudly, not literally though, even if he did have an uncanny resemblance to a puppy dog at times. His eyes shined hopefully. Yuna looked at him curiously, waiting for him to speak. Tidus shifted himself so that he was only sitting on one knee, and he held up the ring.

"Yuna..." Tidus cleared his throat. "I, Tidus, command you to marry me!" His face flared red as he realised exactly what he had just said. Yuna backed away, a little pertubed by his demands. "I mean, marry me, Yuna! Please!"

Yuna went quiet, and closed her eyes. In her mind, the face of Seymour loomed and his voice echoed. 'Yuna! Marry me!' his voice rang through her mind, a ghoulish thought, and then she made her decision. She started jumping up and down. "Yes! Yes! Yes, Se-Tidus! I will!"

"Who's Se-Tidus?" Tidus was confused, then he realised Yuna had accepted his proposal. "Yay!"

Yuna quickly took the ring and put it on her finger. "This will look great with my lovely blue outfit! Let's go and tell everybody that we're getting married!"

So Yuna and Tidus ran off, eager to spread the happy news that they were marrying.

"Hey, Yunie!" Rikku embraced her cousin, and then embraced Tidus. "How are you two?"

"Oh, Rikku!" Yuna jumped up and down. "We've got the best news ever! You just have to listen!"

"Cool!" Rikku's eyes widened. "What?"

"Huh..." Paine stomped up to them. "It had better be good if you're waking me up for this."

"Huh? You were asleep?" Tidus stared at her curiously. Paine looked mad, then pulled a crowbar out of nowhere and hit him on the head, rendering him unconscious.

"TIDY!" screamed Yuna, falling besides him and shaking him. "Wake up, please don't leave me... please..."

"Ohhhh!" Rikku smacked her forehead with her hand. "Not now..."

"Huh..." Paine scoffed. "Love is stupid, who needs it?"

"Tidy... don't leave me..." Yuna buried her face in his hair and then he suddenly began to make short snuffling noises. Yuna looked in astonishment as Tidus struggled up, rubbing his head.

"Oww..." Yuna helped the pained Tidus to his feet and she beamed, acting as if nothing had happened. "Me and Tidy... Tidus... we are..."

"Ooh! I know!" Rikku jumped up and down again, looking excited. "You two are..."

"..." Yuna and Tidus held their breath, expecting Rikku to guess it and possibly ruin the surprise.

"In love!" Rikku punched the air, knowing she was right. Paine groaned aloud.

"That's old news, Rikku," said Yuna kindly, a fake smile stretched across her face.

"Oh," said Rikku dumbly, staring at her feet in embarassment.

"We are getting married," Yuna smiled, waiting for the news to sink in. Rikku looked shocked.

"Well, whoop-di-do," Paine muttered. "You two want to get married, then go and do it. Stop wasting my time."

"You're so mean!" Tidus started to cry. Yuna quickly dragged him away before Paine could get at him and rip him apart with her terrifying ferocity. Rikku chased after them, and Paine went back to bed, grumbling about a headache.

"WAKKA! LULU!" screamed a hyperactive Yuna, barging into Wakka and Lulu's tent in Besaid.

"Oh no-" Lulu was about to tell her to be quiet, but it was far too late.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!" The baby in a crib started to cry loudly.

"Ahhh..." Wakka looked lovingly at his baby. "He reminds me of Tidus... helpless and always whining..."

"I don't whine!" Tidus's eyes welled up with tears and he started bawling. "WAAAAAAAAHHHH!!"

"Ugh..." Lulu desperately tried to ignore Tidus as she scooped her baby into her arms and rocked him back and forth, trying to settle him.

"There, there," Rikku grabbed Tidus in a headlock and gave him a noogie. "Don't cry now, okay?"

Eventually, the baby had shut up and Tidus had been reduced to sniffling. Kimahri had come in thinking they was under attack, but they quickly reassured him that everything was fine and Yuna was ready to tell the news.

"Me and Tidus..." Yuna beamed happily. "Are getting married!"

"WHAT?!" Wakka and Lulu said in unison, eyes wide in shock. Kimahri fainted in horror.

"Um... I think we better get out of here!" Yuna grabbed Tidus and ran, with Rikku in pursuit. Lulu and Wakka looked at the dust trails left behind, then Kimahri, then at each other, blinked and started snogging... then the baby started crying again.

Next, Yuna, Tidus and Rikku found themselves in the Farplane. For some reason, Yuna wanted to tell Auron and Braska. Jecht was there too, and Tidus was happy.

"At least they can't react..." Rikku sighed, thinking of all the reactions they had received today in response to Yuna's announcements that she was marrying Tidus.

"Father, Sir Auron, Sir Jecht..." Yuna bowed three times. "I am marrying Tidus."

"Dad!" Tidus frantically waved. "Auron! I'm getting married to Yuna!"

"Hey..." Rikku ran over to where Seymour was being projected. "Hi, Seymour, you smell of what Wakka and Lulu's baby dumped in its nappy last week!" Luckily for her, Seymour could not respond.

* * *

A month later, Tidus and Yuna got happily married in a church. Rikku was the bridesmaid, and made several old people faint since she was wearing her very revealing outfit. Kimahri took Yuna up the aisle, since Yuna's father was dead and could not attend. Wakka was the best man. Tidus looked as if he had taken sugar pills, he was bouncing up and down and had an insane grin on his face.

Eventually, Yuna reached Tidus and they stood next to each other, while a Priest of New Yevon read the vows.

"Wakka?" Tidus waved in his face. Wakka looked blank for some reason.

"Huh? Ya, what is it?" Wakka jumped. Several people immediately realised that he had been half asleep. Actually, he was not the only person who had been half asleep.

"The rings!" Tidus hissed. "You got... the rings?"

"Oh, ya!" Wakka delved into his pocket and pulled out two Hula Hoops. Tidus and Yuna looked at them in disbelief and horror. Wakka looked at their faces, then at the Hula Hoops, then he ate the Hula Hoops and delved back into his pocket, pulling out the real rings which he handed to the Priest.

After even more blubbering, and tears on the baby's part, the Priest finally pronounced Tidus and Yuna husband and wife, then they collapsed into each others' arms and embarked on a five hour snogathon.

After the wedding, everybody went to Besaid for the reception, even though it was still night, but as everybody walked down the Besaid village slope, there was a slight hitch.

A random monk walked out of a tent and greeted the group.

"INFIDEL!" He yelled, shaking his fist. Several people who had seen this before realised he was going to summon Dark Valefor again and pounced on him, pummelling him before he could call the ugliest Aeon anybody had ever seen. Then he was pitched into the sea and washed up on Bevelle.

"Whoah... that was close!" Tidus promptly stated the obvious. He scooped Yuna into his arms and rushed off with her into the reception tent. Everybody else followed. Paine had to hang back and throw up at all the romancing, before finally joining everybody for the party.

* * *

A week later, Yuna decided they should do what people often did once they got married.

"Tidus!" Yuna suddenly sat up in bed, a grin on her face. "Let's do it!"

"It?" Tidus sat up as well, staring curiously at her as if he was never going to get what she meant. Yuna sighed and took off his shirt. He gulped nervously as she examined his chest.

Tidus's chest was very smooth, and lacked muscles. It also had silky soft skin. There were two horrific scars running up and down above both ribcages which Yuna stared at in fascination.

"Umm... ah..." Tidus quickly thought up an explanation. "It happened when I was little. My dad was playing in a blitzball match, and I was supposed to be watching, but I ran off and I went too far. I ran into a monster, and it savagely attacked me, but some guys with guns came along and shot the monster and rushed me off to hospital! Luckily, I survived, but ever since I've had these nasty scars on my chest. And, uh, sorry about the lack of muscles... it was... an illness... when I was young, that did it..."

"Oh..." Yuna could sense he was lying, but she decided that she did not want to know. She leaned towards his ear and whispered. "Take your trousers off."

"What? No way!" Tidus tried to jump out of bed, but Yuna gave him such an imploring look that he relented. Sighing he removed his pyjama bottoms and revealed his entire body to Yuna, flushing in embarassment. Yuna immediately noticed that something was terribly wrong. She stared horror struck at the area between Tidus's legs.

"Ti-Tidus..." Yuna pointed, shaking. "I thought that men were supposed to have... long things..."

"Er, yeah," Tidus gulped and swallowed nervously. "Yeah, really long thingies, I guess..." His voice started turning high and squeaky and sweat trickled down his head. "M-maybe I was b-born without one?"

"Why..." Yuna stared at him with wide eyes. "Your lower area looks a bit like mine... why?"

"Ummmmm..." Tidus realised that he was well and truly screwed now. "I'm sorry, Yuna!" His voice squeaked and he burst into tears. "I'm really a WOMAN!"

"Explain," said Yuna stiffly. "Explain why you've been posing as a guy all along."

"Once I used to be an actress," Tidus started explaining. "On a planet called Earth. My name was Meg Ryan. We were filming and had a spaceship. I was chosen to test it, but something malfunctioned and it actually worked. It shot off into space and... it crash landed into Zanarkand. Everyone except me were killed, and I lost my memory. I decided to pose as a man. I had a mastectomy and then I wanted to make friends..."

He took a deep breath, and wiped away some tears. Yuna slapped him around the head and made him carry on.

"I found a young boy named Tidus who was about my age... I killed him, and stole his clothes, then I buried him. I then started posing as Tidus, and essentially became Tidus. The Fayth gave me his memories and everything. But now, little by little, I've been recovering my memory. I'm sorry, Yuna..."

Yuna stared in horror as Meg Ryan leaned towards her for a kiss. She screamed like a banshee...

And then woke up, sweating all over. Everything had been a dream. The wedding was just a dream, and the proposal too. Yuna looked and saw Tidus lying next to her. She roughly shook Tidus and woke him up after half an hour of repetitive shaking.

"Huh?" Tidus rubbed his eyes blearily. Yuna crossly threw back the bedclothes and pulled down his pyjama bottoms. He stared in fascination. "What are you doing?"

"Oh... thank goodness..." Yuna sighed in relief as she pulled them back up. "You're a man... hey! Why are you in my bed?"

"Um... ah..." Tidus whimpered. "I'm sorry! I had a nightmare, and it was so scary, I thought I'd feel better if I was with you, and you could make the bogey monster go away. I swear I didn't do anything..."

"Oh... I guess that's ok then," Yuna sighed and slumped back on her pillow, trying to ignore the snivelling Tidus. "Just go back to sleep."


End file.
